My Testimony
If there’s one thing my life has taught me, it’s this: healing is real when we are honest, waiting is holy when we choose to believe the truth, and God never wastes a season.
In a nutshell, for as long as I can remember, I’ve felt things deeply. Small things that seemed meaningless would send me into a spiral or a “tizzy”. Like someone saying I have big ears…that small.
As a child and into my teenage years, that depth in my heart turned into anxiety that felt overwhelming and hard to explain. My mind rarely rested—if ever. I overthought everything. Conversations, constantly being worried about not being enough or being too much, and fears about my identity. Was I really lovable? Was I worthy of living a life of greatness? I had all these dreams…but was I good enough to achieve them? Daydreaming became my biggest hobby, an escape. My walls to this day are covered in pictures and words of what life could be. Daydreaming in my room and being alone with my dreams was where I always found comfort…dreaming about everything the future could be.
At the same time, I wanted real-world connection so badly. I had friends I loved and people around me who loved me, but I was stuck from loving fearlessly to loving them out of fear of losing them. In my early teenage years, I went through painful friendship breakups and seasons of heartbreak where all I wanted was to feel chosen and to show others that they are loved. I tried dulling myself to keep those friends around, compromising small things, thinking security would come from the people in my life— but instead, I often felt more anxious and unsure of myself, questioning everything I did and said. Like walking on thin ice all the time. With myself and others.
I had my thoughts run my life…fears that seemed to control me. Remembering everything that my old friends said to me and the lies that were so loud in my mind. The thoughts about my identity and physical body became more controlling, and I thought the best answer for my future would be to move across the country become a model. I started to look into that more and more and decided I would move out and pursue that future.
Looking more into modeling, I caused myself to develop even more issues with how I saw myself. I took out all of that anger on my body. The body-dysmorphia I caused in a small way became more major. Which in turn created me to develop an eating disorder that followed me through that whole next year. Restricting food became my way to control what I knew I couldn’t—my life. What started as trying to feel confident and “fit in” turned into something that stole so much peace, joy, and freedom. On the outside I could still smile, and function, but on the inside I was exhausted from fighting myself every day. My thoughts were constantly focused on myself and how I looked. My eyes were so deeply on me I did not have the capacity to see other people.
But God never gave up on me. In the year following, He began healing me in ways I couldn’t tell you. Not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually and mentally. He showed me that my worth is not in what others say or what I look like on the outside. That true beauty comes from what is in my heart. And how only God can bless us with a beautiful heart. When I decided to surrender my entire life leaving nothing out is when He restored my thoughts with food giving me total freedom that I’ve never had before. With my body, and with my identity. I stopped seeing myself as something to fix and started seeing myself as someone to love. A temple to steward for the glory of God. Someone worthy of care.
Instead of attempting to control everything when I felt anxious, I found myself running upstairs to my room to go be with God. Sitting in my closet with the Lord and journaling what He told me. Even still I constantly run to the quiet spaces to be with God. He is my steadfast place of rest—the only person who I don’t ever have to question. I began finding my security there; in Him. As funny as it is, my closet became a quiet place of waiting. Waiting on the dreams God placed in my heart to come true. Waiting on the Lord because that is where my strength rises. I learned how to be still, to meditate on His truth, and to let Him speak louder than my fears. In the silence, God wasn’t rushing me, He was reshaping me. I learned that our Heavenly Father is so patient. He will sit with us for as long as we need and more. Teaching us truth and renewing our hearts to the purest state.
My story isn’t about being flawless. It’s about being faithful. Learning how to wait, how to listen, and how to let God meet me in the middle of all of my dirty/messiness. I love loving people well, calling out the good in them, and seeing hearts before appearances — I know what it’s like to want to be truly seen. As I chose to serve Him instead of striving for perfection, He also provided relationships in my life I never could have planned for. Healthy connections and safe people. Love that didn’t demand my performance. Through obedience and trust, the Lord gave me some of the best connections I could have asked for, not because I earned them, but because He delights in restoring what anxiety once tried to steal. I know I could not have the life I do if I continued to let fear steer my life.
